is your mom at the bar?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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