I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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