I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
