i love accidental penises.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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