i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
