Girls should come with a carfax report
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
