The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
