I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
