You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
That accounts for only three of the penises
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I supernannyed him into submission
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
