wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
