What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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