Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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