Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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