You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
