You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
