dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
