My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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