What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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