I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
