I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
