When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
