My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
