My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
