Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
