She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Congratulations! We have a period
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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