Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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