I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
