I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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