I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
