she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
