If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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