We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
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