just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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