I feel like I'm in dance class right now
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
