Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
How does one acquire holy water?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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