Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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