and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
