Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
