i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
