M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
it's great music for shaving your balls
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
