I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
