You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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