I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
