he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
