I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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