If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
