my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
