I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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