remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
