Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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