insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
